I wish to write about what I am utterly controlled by; anxiety, fear, depression, isolation. Negative thoughts, so black it blinds me.
I don't wish to break the depression stigma; everyone has the right to their opinions and views, when it comes to mentally challenging issues.
Depression isn't a simple mental illness. It can become the way of life. People don't understand that. They need to learn that depression isn't an emotion one can easily get rid of.
I speak for myself. I am only one voice.
I wish to share my "struggle." This has become my way of life, as of late.
Trust me, I wish I could snap my fingers, so I can just snap the heck out of this blackhole. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and tendecies; easy to make someone a prisoner. The chains that binds you to this mental state, is far stronger than crazy gluing your broken glasses.
So, here, I will write openly, in anyway my emotions are flowing through my mind.
I don't want to be the mold to this paralyzing state of mind, yet, trying to wiggle out of this shithole is far more challenging, than anything you could imagine.
Here is a quick background of my life:
I was born and raised in a neighborhood, where we pretty much had no choice, but to survive the worse thing life can throw at you. Drugs. Sexual violence. Gang activity is one of the most terrifying things you cannot escape, no matter how far up you live up in an apartment building. You never know when shit will hit the fan, and blow you any which way your destiny stands.
Going to school was an escape of the crappy things going in on your life. Even as a child, you wish you never were born, because you never had a say in how to live your life.
Gangs weren't the only thing damaging my life.
Rape. Sexual abuse. Bullying. Anything that can happen in the city of Angels, is always the center of your life.
But when you're a child, one of the few things that shelter you from being afraid, is the innosence, and your endless dreams of someday no longer being a prisoner in your own block.
Not only has that ruined my life, I will very likely always be afraid of men. I hate to be thought as a human being. I hate men looking at me with desire of having to take my body, and fucking me any which way they please.
Men are the predators. Men are evil. Men need to never even glance at me. If I had one wish, that wish would be to become invisble. No one to stare at me.
Men are the enemy to me.
But I guess the one I chose to marry wasn't a man who is my enemy. He used his charms, to lure me to him. He knew how sensitive I am when it comes to loosening up to people. But men never had a chance in my adulthood.
Of course, not all men are the devil. And often times I am super relieved that life gave me two beautiful daughters; and I'll be damned if anyone ever took away my childrens' innosence. With this "journal" I hope I am able to reach those who have been in the same boat as me. We need to let go over the crap that happened to us from childhood up until today. And I hope I am able to.
I will be raw with how I share what is going on in my head.
I am not one to sugarcoat life.
Nor am I the type of person who will never curse in order to speak my mind. Bad words are engraved in my mind. So I truly hope my usage of bad words won't put you off.
I will close this intro, but keep in mind that whatever I share, will vary from good days, to bad days, to days where all I can think of, is finding a painless way out of being alive.
Don't worry, whenever I feel that way, I make sure I let my husband know, and he helps me get through that darkness.
I will be okay, eventhough I feel bleak, I know I will get through it, even if I take tiny steps towards the "good" direction in which my life needs to be headed towards to.
I am a writer by default. It is easier to explain exactly what I am thinking or going through. Facebook is a great outlet for me, but I think it's time I quit subjecting everyone into reading my novels, and allow them to read this on their own terms.
